Is a first down worth it?

Looks like the NFL has another medical lawsuit on their hands, but this time it has nothing to do with concussions. It seems that 17 players and 2 referees are suing the NFL for their cancer.

Artie Goldstein, lawyer to the plaintiffs, is reporting that cancer has become an epidemic in the NFL. We ask what is causing the cancer? They are telling us the first down yellow line is the culprit. The laser being used has large amounts of arsenic and yellow dye which are two proven cancer causing agents.

Jimmy “No Neck” Thompson, former fullback of the Tennessee Titans, claims that he made a career of contracting cancer. “You don’t think the coaches knew about this?” said Thompson. “You have to be crazy. Chris Johnson runs the ball 30 times a game but the second its 3rd and 1 or 4^th and 1, they bring me in. They don’t want to “run” the risk of their precious running back falling on the line. When you fall on that line you know something’s wrong. It’s like you can feel the cancer entering your pores.”

One official who chose to remain anonymous said “you ever wonder why the yellow line is not visible when we are measuring a first down? We have to call up to the booth to make sure that thing is not on before we measure. One game Ed Hockeley thought it would be funny and have the booth tell me it was off when it really wasn’t. I had to measure over 20 first downs that game. 3 weeks later I have full blown Ball Cancer”.

Looks like the NFL has more medical drama on their hands than a season of Grey’s Anatomy. How will this issue be handled by the NFL? One thing we can tell you is that no matter how much safer you make the game, first downs will be as common as ever. And the fans are going to want to know where those first downs are!

GLAAD just got totally ducked!

Earlier this week Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson was suspended by A&E due to comments he made in a GQ interview. The star of Duck Dynasty was quoted saying that he compared homosexuality to bestiality and that gays have bought a one way ticket to hell. These comments upset the pro-gay organization GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and GLAAD caused enough uproar to indefinitely suspend Duck Dynasty’s Robertson.

In a shocking turn of events new information has come to light regarding the Phil Robertson scandal. Reports now confirm that GLAAD was not the responsible party for moving A&E’s hand to suspend Robertson. We have now found out that the group DAMFMC (Ducks Against Making Fake Mating Calls) is the responsible party. The DAMFMC supposedly hacked the network at GLAAD and imitated being part of the GLAAD organization. DAMFMC posted fake tweets on GLAAD's Facebook wall. They were also responsible for making fake phone calls acting as GLAAD to many liberal media TV stations.

We were able to speak to many members at GLAAD and all echoed they had no problem with Duck Dynasty or the comments of Robertson. One of the senior members stated “guys blowing on little brown things and making mating calls, what’s not too like?” Another female senior staff officer said “there is so much flannel on the show, I love it.” When asked about DAMFMC impersonating many of the GLAAD representatives, “We are disgusted by their behavior, they are so duckin’ gay.”

Our reporters were able to speak to senior members at DAMFMC. When asked why they did it, DAMFMC President Daffy Duck said “Phil Robertson is the Adolf Hitler to the duck community.” Daffy also angrily was quoted saying “there is a duck genocide going on and I don’t see any Christians or Republicans coming to our aid, suffering succotash.” DAMFMC Founder and Chairman of the board Donald Duck commented on the situation. “I am tired of all the attention these duck killers are getting. I am tired of losing family members. Do you know what it’s like to wake up every day in fear of dying or losing someone close to you?” As you remember Donald lost all three of his nephews Huey, Duey and Louie in a home invasion by Robertson’s family members. All charges were dropped when the courts decided that this was a simple case of ducks being lower on the food chain, just barely.

We also caught up with Uncle Scrooge McDuck during a daily swim through his money. “I don’t care how many gold coins I have to use, I will make the Robertson family suffer one by one. I will kill every one of them and I will make sure it’s not quack, I mean quick”. Mr. McDuck is currently working on producing a mating call that will help lure the Robertson’s in. The sound produced by these mating call devices will imitate that of goat. Many goats are up in arms about the new call. “Yes we slept with Phil and his sons, but none of it was consensual”, said a goat that chose to remain anonymous.

DAMFMC says they are at war with the Robertsons and A&E for airing the show. They did go on to say now that the show is being taken off the air, our beef with A&E is on hold. The group does understand duck hunting is natural and part of life, but not illegally using duck calls. The duck calls were described as a type of guerilla warfare. Daffy said “US soldiers are facing the same thing in the middle east. We don’t know if these duck calls are coming from promiscuous female ducks or the enemy.” The infamous GEICO duck added his comments to the scandal. “Do you know what it’s like to think some horny female is going to duck your brains out and then Bam, you take a 12 gauge to the head? It’s like being a Cowboys fan and thinking every week they are going to win and then boom, 12 gauge to the head.” Although a weird analogy we know exactly what the duck from GEICO is talking about.

This story is currently gaining steam and as we find out more details we will be the first to bring you all the action. I am sure GLAAD is very happy to have the heat removed from them. “With the shocking news of Brian Boitano coming out of the closet we have bigger fish to fry. The gay community is skating on thin ice right now” said president of GLAAD.

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Breaking News! Obama not a US citizen!

Barack Obama was born August 4^th, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii. Or was he? Obama has feverishly defended that he was born in the United States, but has failed to produce a birth certificate. We have discovered why. After a long arduous search Obama’s birth certificate has been found. In fact Obama was not born in the U.S. Per the real birth certificate Obama was born in Shenzhen, China. His real name is Barack Obama Ching Chong Dinga Linga Ding Dong.

We have attempted to contact him and his PR team but have not heard back. We did talk to Obama’s secretary she did say that he does have trouble pronouncing his L’s and she finds it difficult recognizing him when the Chinese leaders are in town. She also noted he orders the Kung Pao Fried Chicken and the Watermelon Egg Roll from his favorite Chinese restaurant, China Will Destroy the US Buffet.

We caught up with Michelle Obama while at Forever 21 trying on dresses. “I can tell you one thing, Barack is definitely not black from the waist down” Michelle said with a smirk and wink. When asked about her husband being from China she said “isn’t Hawaii in China?” We tried to get more out of Michelle but she dipped into a crowded Hot Topic.

These reports have shaken up Washington D.C. Joe Biden was quoted saying “looks like I am the new president bitches.” He then proceeded to show us his birth certificate which resembled dog pound adoption papers.

When we asked former president George W. Bush about the findings he said “last time we let China in this country they bombed Pearl Harbor.” He went on to say “didn’t the Navy Seals kill him in a raid on his compound in Pakistan?” Bush then indicated he needed to get back to his workout. We met up with Bush at a McDonald’s playground swimming laps in the balls.

Sarah Palin has been very vocal on the controversy. “I knew that Blasian was not from this country” she remarked. “I could have told you he wasn’t a citizen. All blacks are from Africa. Just go to Africa one day and all you will see is African Americans. My guess is he has AIDS too.” Palin then went on to talk about the lack of black people in Alaska and that shockingly she was carrying Phil Robertson’s baby.

D.C has been turned upside down today. As reports continue to surface we will bring them to you first.

Update

We found this on Barack Obama’s twitter page:

“Who has their eyes half open now, roosers” #ChinaDomination #BirthCertificate #ILoveEggRow